"I just kissed your pillow..."

jobethdalloway:

curlicuecal:

Games with English: insert the word “only” anywhere into the above sentence and consider how the placement changes meaning.

Years later and I’m still wondering where the fuck I can buy socks like that.

heyfrankie:

leedukes:

When children’s movies explain life in the most simple yet most perfect way.

i can’t get over how cute this scene is.  HE JUST REALLY WANTS TO EXPLAIN IT TO RALPH, AND HE CAN’T USE HIS HANDS VERY WELL SO HE LEANS ON HIM

(Source: fuckingmexican)

carrotcatmd:

STORY:

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. 

I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill. 

Me: ‘Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.’ Server: ‘That’ll be $1.04. Eat in?’ 
Me: ‘No, it’s to go.’ At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny. 
Server: ‘Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.’ He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.

The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: ‘Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?’ 
Manager: ‘No. A what?’ 
Server: ‘A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me…’ 
Manager: ‘Ask for something else. There’s no such thing as a $2 bill.’ 
Server: ‘Yeah, thought so.’ 

He comes back to me and says, ‘We don’t take these.

Do you have anything else?’ 

Me: ‘Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why? 
Server: ‘I don’t know.’ 
Me: ‘See here where it says legal tender?’ 
Server: ‘Yeah.’ 
Me: ‘So, why won’t you take it?’ 
Server: ‘Well, hang on a sec.’ 

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I’m a shoplifter, and says to him, ‘He says I have to take it.’

Manager: ‘Doesn’t he have anything else?’ 
Server: ‘Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change. 
Manager: ‘I’m not opening the safe with him in here.’ 
Server: ‘What should I do?’ 
Manager: ‘Tell him to come back later when he has real money.’ 
Server: ‘I can’t tell him that! You tell him.’ 
Manager: ‘Just tell him.’ 
Server: ‘No way! This is weird. I’m going in back. 

The manager approaches me and says, ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t take big bills this time of night.’

Me: ‘It’s only seven o’clock! Well then, here’s a two dollar bill.’ 
Manager: ‘We don’t take those, either.’ 
Me: ‘Why not?’ 
Manager: ‘I think you know why.’ 
Me: ‘No really, tell me why.’ 
Manager ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’ 
Me: ‘Excuse me?’ 
Manager: ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’ 
Me: ‘What on earth for?’ 
Manager: ‘Please, sir..’ 
Me: ‘Uh, go ahead, call them.’ 
Manager: ‘Would you please just leave?’ 
Me: ‘No.’ 
Manager: ‘Fine — have it your way then.’ 
Me: ‘Hey, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?’ 

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.

A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in. 

Guard: ‘Yeah, Mike, what’s up?’ 
Manager (whispering): ‘This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.’ 
Guard: ‘No kidding! What?’ 
Manager: ‘Get this. A two dollar bill.’ 
Guard (incredulous): ‘Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?’ 
Manager: ‘I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.’ 
Guard: ‘Oh, so the fifty’s fake!’ 
Manager: ‘No, the two dollar bill is.’ 
Guard: ‘Why would he fake a two dollar bill?’ 
Manager : ‘I don’t know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?’ 
Guard: ‘Yeah.’


Security Guard walks over to me and……

Guard: ‘Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.’ 
Me: ‘Uh, no.’ 
Guard: ‘Lemme see ‘em.’ 
Me: ‘Why?’ 
Guard: ‘Do you want me to get the cops in here?’ 

At this point I’m ready to say, ‘Sure, please!’ but I want to eat, so I say, ‘I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him. He takes the bill turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 

Guard: ‘Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?’ 
Manager: ‘It’s fake.’ 
Guard: ‘It doesn’t look fake to me.’ 
Manager: ‘But it’s a two dollar bill.’ 
Guard: ‘Yeah? ‘ 
Manager: ‘Well, there’s no such thing, is there?’ 

The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. 

itseasytoremember:

nihtendo:

i want a video of all the tries it took to make this

i want a video of the second right after this shot was taken

spoooky-couch:

whenever i’m leaving a conversation i say “bi” to remind and tell people i am bisexual. for some reason this has not been working very well and most people think i’m straight despite my reminders. however, they do sometimes praise me and say “good bi” in response.

itsmemacleod:

callmebliss:

cobblestones-brokenbones:

okhaley:

127-lbs:

the-jackals:

tedbre:

thejamesboyle:

caluummhood:

HOLY SHIT, IT WAS THE ORIGINAL ONE

MAKE A WISH

the first post ever on tumblr

this was why they put the reblog button on the bottom of posts

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SEE LINDSAY LOHAN OR SOME SHIT WOW

Always reblog because perfection.

I was waiting for the stupid patrick thing but yay the real post. love it.

This is sacred

OHMYZOD IT’S BACK

I REMEMBER WHEN THIS HAD 10000 NOTES AND I HAD TO TAKE THE TIME AND SCROLL ALL THE WAY BACK UP TO REBLOG

(Source: onleatherwings92)

castiowls:

black-nata:

i keep reading all these headcanons about human!impala (dark-haired dude with green eyes, vixen in long black dress, etc.) and not one of them sticks because all i can image is a big, muscly black guy in his late 30s dressed head-to-toe in black leather that refuses to be called anything but ‘Baby’ by an alarmed yet aroused dean winchester

 [x]

autumnraining:

CAN WE TAKE A SECOND TO APPRECIATE AN ACTUAL LINE FROM A FALL OUT BOY SONG:

“Anything you say can and will be held against you so only say my name”

IF YOU DON’T THINK THAT’S SMOOTH AS FUCK YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY FACE CAUSE THAT’S A SWEET-ASS PICKUP LINE

tocifer:

ryyde:

i was trying to make my friend a bday cake but the dye on the decorative icing started leaking and dripping everywhere so it accidentally became the most ominous and violent looking baked good ive ever seen…… i slapped on some sprinkles to try and make it less threatening looking. it worked a little bit.

BIRTH

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